I’m hoping in a few hours I’ll feel the welling of excitement for the new year that I usually do, but right now, sitting with my coffee in the late afternoon of December 31st, I don’t. Like any other year, 2015 had its moments, but I’m leaving it feeling disappointed about what could have been.
The lesson: Things can’t get better unless you force them.
Real talk: In 2015 I worked really hard on two full-length manuscripts and wrote a third and sent them all out and hoped and prayed and paid much more in submission fees that I should have (given my income level), and though there were a few encouraging rejections and finalist spots, I did not get a book deal. And it’s safe to say I tied too much of my emotional energy into getting a book deal, said too many times “this won’t matter when I get a book deal.” I’m hoping that’s over now, hoping that in 2016 I will again do what I can do, then more, and let the universe work it out. Never mind the folder of cover art ideas sitting on my desktop, it will happen when it happens. I do not need a book deal to be a poet. I don’t.
In 2015 the job I loved turned into a job I tolerated. I stayed as long as I did because I adored a few of my talented coworkers, but when I realized that wasn’t enough I said goodbye.
In 2015 I was in love, but when I realized that wasn’t enough I said goodbye. This was huge and complicated and difficult, but it’s a lesson I needed.
I am quite pleased, however, with my 2015 reading: 82 books, many of which changed what I thought I knew about _______. A few favorites:
- Ross Gay’s Catalog of Unabashed Gratitude
- Heather Christle’s Heliopause
- CAConrad’s Ecodeviance
- Monica McClure’s Tender Data
- Heidi Julavits’s The Folded Clock
- Ada Limón’s Bright Dead Things
- Ben Fama’s Fantasy
- Mark Doty’s Still-Life with Oysters and Lemon
- Shane McCrae’s The Animal Too Big to Kill
- Joy Harjo’s Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings
I’m in the middle of Joy Harjo’s selected collection How We Became Human, and Lord, she is exactly the poet I need in my life right now. More on this later.
In 2015 I published my first two chapbooks: Something to Hide My Face In (Seven Kitchens) and College Town (Porkbelly Press). They are beautiful and I am so thankful to Ron at 7K and Nicci at PP for bringing them into the world.
In 2015 my essay “The Only Boy in Indiana” was listed as ‘notable’ in Best American Essays 2015.
In 2015 I shared my house with four incredible writers and human beings, and thank you, thank you, thank you to them for listening to me rambling on about poems and actors and music and decisions I should have made much sooner than I did.
In 2015 I realized karaoke was not about how you sounded singing but about how you felt singing, and Lord, I tore through “You Oughta Know” that night and everything was all right.
In 2015 I took a lot of photographs.
In 2016 I will take more photographs.
In 2016 I will throw myself headfirst into my new job, which after two days seems like a much better environment for me to be in and filled with wonderfully eccentric people.
In 2016 I will take better care of myself.
In 2016 I will take the time necessary.